Advice to reluctant out-of-hospital birth partners

I’m the father of seven children. My wife is a midwife, but she wasn’t when we first started our parenting journey. We’ve had five hospital births and two home births, all vaginal births, some with epidurals and some without. My wife was induced in the hospital with Pitocin a couple of times, but most of the time she ended up having a baby in her own time. My oldest son is now 21. He was born in the hospital because there was no way I was going to do a home birth. My youngest, and only girl, is 9 and she was born at home because there was no way I was going to do a hospital birth. What changed between my first and my last? A lot.

When my wife announced she was pregnant with our first I was happy, scared and completely clueless. All I knew was that hospitals were where you went to have babies and that meant that’s where we were going to go. I wouldn’t even consider a home birth, that was crazy. What if something went wrong? Why would I pay to have a baby outside of the hospital when my insurance would pay for it? What did I learn during that pregnancy? Well, first I learned that doctors are always late, they think they are really smart, a baby is something to be delivered and in reality, you don’t see your doctor very much either during your pregnancy or at the birth unless something goes wrong. I also learned that the childbirth education class I took, didn’t really prepare me to help my wife out all that much and the doctor didn’t really have any interest in helping us preparem their job was the delivery. I also learned that my wife has pretty fast labors when not induced, and that she was incredibly strong. Even in the hospital she went drug free

With our second and third I learned that if you’re high risk then the hospital’s the right place for you. After a car accident and a gall bladder removal we decided it was best to continue with numbers two and three in the hospital. I also learned that Pitocin contractions suck. My wife was in way more pain, the contractions were way worse then natural ones, and that inductions take way longer. I also learned that epidurals are a blessing when it comes to Pitocin inductions. Furthermore, I learned that you spend a lot more time in the hospital, hospital couches suck and while I love nurses, being woken up by them every couple of hours is awful.

My fourth was our first home birth. My wife had been a practicing midwife and finally convinced me that it was safe and I finally decided to listen to what she was saing. It was an amazing experience and made me wish I’d reconsidered our first birth. The midwife was great. She was patient and gave us a lot of information and tools to assist in pregnancy. She had lots of tips and tricks and comfort measures during the birth. My wife didn’t have to worry about being hooked up to a monitor constantly or being told to be in a particular position for labor. She could eat and drink through labor to keep her strength and hydration up. Her recovery was quicker, her labor was more peaceful, the baby was more alert, and we didn’t have to worry about a nurse waking us up every couple of hours. The baby slept next to us and we woke when he did.

By the time my baby girl was born we were down to 45 minutes of active labor to give birth. We were in India and there was absolutely no way we were going to the hospital. We had a quiet birth surrounded by two wonderful Indian women, who had never attended a home birth and who were utterly amazed with the difference in the birth they witnessed, and the midwife we’d flown in from the US.

I know that’s a long introduction, but if the pregnant woman in your life wants or is investigating a out-of-hospital birth, here’s my advice:

Keep an open mind. Like I said, when we had our first child I immediately defaulted to the hospital. I wasn’t going to try anything different because that’s just how things were done. In reality, if we’d been at home with a qualified midwife, we’d have had a similar experience, but with more support and less intrusion. It actually probably would have taken even less time than it did because the midwife would have been there to teach my wife during her labor. Literally we saw the doctor for the last 30 minutes while my wife pushed.
Listen to why she wants to birth outside the hospital and try to understand her point of view. Your partner has a specific reason or set of reasons for wanting an out of hospital birth -- try to understand what they are. Learn her fears and her hopes so that as you work together to find the right place to have the baby you both have what you need. Make a birth plan together that you can discuss with your potential providers, that address both her desires and the things you’re worried about.
Be honest with her about your concerns. If she knows your concerns she can make sure that they are addressed while you are shopping around for birth care.
If home birth is a bridge too far, consider a birth center birth. If you are anything like me, the notion of having a baby at home just seemed too much. Not only was it not a hospital, but birth is messy, right? Unfortunately, for me there wasn’t much in the way of birth center choices at the time. Today there are several birth centers in the Salt Lake and Utah County areas. These birth centers offer an intimate place to come and give birth, away from the home, away from the germs of the hospital, but still with that at home feel. They are fully stocked and ready for you, your partner and your baby. Take a tour, virtual or in person.
Interview and explore. Don’t just go with the first midwife or doctor you talk to or the one your insurance covers. Take the time to find the provider that fits you. If you have the right provider, you’ll both be happier with your experience. Make sure to understand the provider’s education, certifications, limitations, experience, protocols and philosophy about birth.
Ask lots of questions. Go to prenatal appointments with your partner and ask questions. If you’re concerned about her safety or that of the baby make sure to ask about what the midwife can handle emergency wise, what experience she’s had, find out how close the hospital is just in case, Does she have a backup doctor she works with? Can your midwife administer emergency drugs? How about resuscitating the baby if there’s a problem? What’s the cost? What’s included and what’s not? Can they bill insurance? What comfort measures are available during labor? What can you do to ensure a healthy pregnancy and a safe birth? What happens after the birth? Write down the questions as they come up so that you don’t forget them.
Support your partner. Whichever provider you select, they will likely suggest vitamins, nutritional tips, and other suggestions for the pregnancy. Make sure to support your partner and help them stay on top of those things.
Read, learn and practice. Read lots, attend a childbirth education class (or three), do your homework and practice what you learn so that you know what to expect and what tools you can use. The more information you have the less fear you’ll feel. Your provider should be able to recommend several great books.
Consider a doula. Doula’s are great, especially for first time couples. In the hospital they often play the role of advocate in helping you get the birth you want. In the birth center or home birth they’re there to help you with comfort measures and labor support while the midwife focuses on helping you have the best outcome for your miracle. As a husband supporting his wife, I always loved having a doula there to help me figure out how to help my wife.
Remember, birth is natural. It’s not a disease or a condition to be treated and it’s generally safe. If you’re pregnant partner is low risk, home birth or birth center births are probably safer than a hospital birth – especially in the COVID-19 world.

Hopefully you’ve found this useful. After two wonderful home births I can honestly say that if I had it all to do over again, we’d have all of our children out of hospital. The peace, joy and calm were simply so different from the experience of the hospital. I hope you find the provider that’s right for you, in the location that’s right for you and that you have the birth experience that is right for both you and your partner.

#beautifulmountainbirth #utahmidwife #homebirth #birthcenterbirth #miracleguides #utahbirthcenters

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Advice from a reluctant home birth partner turned advocate

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